Somehow, hearing him cry out there...it reminded me of everything I'd been thinking of for these last weeks. Essentially, I've been in the classic battle of recognizing the way things were, and accepting the way things now are. With my social standing, my morals, my past habits, and mostly those I love. My father being a prime example of this. I remember when I was young, very young, and I was his little girl. He was obsessively protective. A man, a father, a caretaker. Albeit still insane, but somehow, we were above it. He would do anything to protect us, even if the threat was irrational. That was how things were. But now, his mind has so long deteriorated that any part of that man has evaporated, and what is left is no father. It is a poor, desperate man, with a false reality and false memories of us, and our times together. Whatever interaction I choose to have with him, from this point on, will be myself taking care of him, walking on eggshells, and holding his hand because life hurts him so much he can barely stand to go out into it. It's like he died, and yet, is standing before me.. unknowingly giving me false hope to the contrary. Somehow, it's much more painful then if he had died entirely.
I've had to make a lot of these realizations lately, and accept a lot of rather depressing realities as "this is how it will be now, and this is how it will never be again"
I'm trying not to get swept up in my secret desperation for the contrary, but I fear my willpower is weak when it comes to matters of my heart, and those within it.
I dont know why I posted this here, of all places. Its not as if anyone will read it.
I suppose theres a clever lull to online journals. You feel like you are addressing someone, even if your existence on the internet is fairly insignificant ^^'
Off to try and sleep